Good morning.
Last night, I came face to face with mortality and it didn't look very pretty. Last night, I was reminded that life is short: shorter than the time it takes us to nurse, extend and revisit grudges. Last night, I was reminded of this phrase I have heard so many of us use, "I shall never forgive you, until the day I die"
My friend, a very dear one, lost her husband in a massive and irrevocable heart attack. All that she could say, as I held her, and both of us wept was, "Suma, I was waiting to retire from my workplace before we could travel together..." The wardrobe was full of new un used clothes that they had bought together in anticipation of that happy day; a new suitcase that they had just bought was kept in a state of readiness. Mute reminders.
It is their wedding anniversary today.
The letters on the keyboard swim in front of me through the tears that will not stop, will not stop.
I know what death is like and how it stops the breath of those who are left behind to pick up the pieces. And God help us, all of us do.
How we wait for that familiar ring of the doorbell, listen for a footstep, set another place at the table, remember a joke that we could share together with the one who left, lift up our phone to dial a number that will never be answered.
I know. Oh, yes, I know.
Are there any one-word-fits all sizes, here? No. Any words that can patch the tear in the tapestry of your life, the web of your togetherness, the rent in the fabric of your existence? No.
But for those who are left behind, and for those who care about those who are left behind:
Live a minute, an hour, a day at a time. For whom, you ask? Not for anyone. But because you have to. Life becomes dreary, repetitive drudgery. You drag yourself out of bed, and then you drag yourself into bed at night. Days and nights run into each other, everything ceases to exist beyond that terrible vacuum in your life:'..a thousand, thousand slimy things / Lived on: and so did I..' , (Coleridge). Why? Why me?What have I done? Who have I ever hurt? I know the questions. I have asked them, too. I have been asked these, as well. They have no answers. None.
DON"T try to hurt yourself or harm yourself. There's a reason you have been asked to stay back. No, you don't need to know what it is. It will come to you, one day, in a flash of brilliant morning sunshine. an epiphany. Life is not yours to take or give away.
And for those who care about those who are left behind, try not to be impatient when they hit out at you and wound you with words used as weapons. Stay the course. It is not you she is railing against.It is herself, and what she sees as her own failure to appreciate someone who is no longer around to be appreciated.
And for those of us who are left behind, impacted in whatever way, by a life cut short, remember to say that word, call up that friend, give that hug, make up that quarrel, book that ticket, go on that journey....and have a handful of memories to pour balm on your soul.
With love and gratitude to all of you.
Have a blessed day.